Brother's poem

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Is it good?

I LOVE IT!
0
No votes
It's really good
2
40%
It's Okay...
2
40%
I don't really wanna hurt his feelings but it sucks
0
No votes
HORRIBLE! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!!? HORRIBLE!!
1
20%
 
Total votes : 5

Brother's poem

Postby Dev » Wed Apr 21, 2004 8:39 pm

My little brother always sits besides me when im in the computer. He's begging me to put his poem in FJ :mad (I wont say title because it is answer to contest cooler thread) WHAT AN ANNOYING BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!

The boy starts playing
CDEFGABC
Songs of the classic
Songs of long time ago

Scales CDEFGABC
Words speeding through heads of people
People singing
Suddenly the whole world turns silent
A key has been
Missed
The boy has stopped playing
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby chaotic century » Thu Apr 22, 2004 4:15 pm

so thats a poem? interesting..
I am Chaotic Century King of the PointyShiney!
"this world is made of! this world is made of.. LOVE and PEACE!

neero is my master

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Postby Dev » Thu Apr 22, 2004 6:52 pm

3rd grade Teachers says to John,"Poems don't have to rhym"

........
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby Wolfie » Thu Apr 22, 2004 7:43 pm

yups, nice
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sometimes forced and unwanted and sometimes loved and longed for.
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Postby chaotic century » Fri Apr 23, 2004 4:25 pm

haha that is sometimes true but i still see it as more of a riddle then a poem but then again what do i kno? lol
I am Chaotic Century King of the PointyShiney!
"this world is made of! this world is made of.. LOVE and PEACE!

neero is my master

it is foolish to listen to someone who will not listen to you
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Postby Dev » Sat Apr 24, 2004 3:03 am

Can someone just vote?
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby chaotic century » Sun Apr 25, 2004 1:37 am

k i did
I am Chaotic Century King of the PointyShiney!
"this world is made of! this world is made of.. LOVE and PEACE!

neero is my master

it is foolish to listen to someone who will not listen to you
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Postby ChatOmbre » Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:28 am

I haven't voted yet because I'm not sure about what I want to pick. I like it, but I think he could make it better. :)
Some suggestions-

Songs of the classic - I think it might help if you reworded this a bit. Perhaps something like "Songs we call classic"?
Songs of long time ago - Same thing... I don't really think you need "time" in there. If you want to keep it in there, I think something like "Songs of times long ago" might make it sound a bit more smooth.
Words speeding through heads of people - I think you could work on this bit a little more too. Maybe something like "Words speed through the people's minds"?
People singing - Might be good to poke and prod this bit a little more.
Suddenly the whole world turns silent - I don't think you really need "suddenly". Try letting people know how sudden it was through the way you say it instead. "The world is silenced", or something?
A key has been
Missed
- I like how you did this part a lot.
The boy has stopped playing. - You could try messing with this one some more if you want, but I think it's pretty good.
I also liked the "CDEFGABC" parts. :)

erm, yeah. >.>;; I hope that you find that helpful in some way, and good luck on your writing. :) Do you play the piano?
Queen of the PointyShiney

"Too much ink is drawn to describe and define love. Why describe it and define it? Take my hand and let's just take a ride through it. Love is... Love is... Let's just go for awhile, leaving ourselves for each other." --Mike Smith
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Postby Dev » Fri Apr 30, 2004 8:57 pm

I helped my brother on the poem... Yeah we both play piano.
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby Dev » Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:01 pm

So it's like:

The boy starts playing
CDEFGABC
Songs we call classic
Songs of times.. long ago

Scales CDEFGABC
Words speed through people's heads
CDEFGABC
The world is silenced
A key has been
Missed
The boy has stopped playing
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby Rapscallion » Tue Jun 01, 2004 6:38 pm

i don't understand it..... :umm
:D
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Postby Wolfie » Tue Jun 01, 2004 6:50 pm

::claps: bravo! wonderfuls ^^
ЀA†H comes like £iƒε,
sometimes forced and unwanted and sometimes loved and longed for.
How will you Ði€?™
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Postby Dev » Thu Jun 03, 2004 2:09 am

Theres another one he made called Feeling.. I have to go to sleep right now so Ill post tomorrow.
Fosty wrote:"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them."
- Mitch Hedberg

CrustyPunk wrote:Talk to Orion. He plays gee-tar."


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Postby ChatOmbre » Thu Jun 03, 2004 4:09 am

Rapscallion wrote:i don't understand it..... :umm


I think the boy in the poem is playing the piano.
Queen of the PointyShiney

"Too much ink is drawn to describe and define love. Why describe it and define it? Take my hand and let's just take a ride through it. Love is... Love is... Let's just go for awhile, leaving ourselves for each other." --Mike Smith
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